The boy of my dreams

He is finally here, the little boy of my dreams. He is absolutely perfect, hairy like a little monkey and farts like an onion infused caveman. The way I like them.

Yesterday he made me very proud by pooping right in to the hands of my husband. I was just thinking to myself, “wow, that’s brave” when my husband undressed him and carried him around naked while I prepared the little bath. First, an innocent fart followed by an “oops” and then he pooped all over my husband who tried to save the situation by holding his hand around babies little butt. The look on someone’s face, when you have your hands covered and full of shit, is priceless. And you just don’t know where to start to save the situation. And it’s so, so painful to laugh when you’ve had a cesarean. But worth it.

The poop diaries and a weekend stroll

* Public service announcement for sensitive people. This post contains poop. If you are eating, please continue to read *

Ignore that. It was me being mean. The poop part is true though. I therefore put in a nice picture of flower. To start of positive. You can stop reading now and enjoy your day. If you are feeling brave. Please continue.

One of the exciting new things that you get to experience as a new parent is the presence of poop. Discussions of poop. And smelling of poop. Before I had children I would wonder about the obsession from parents about this subject and the extremely annoying smelling of the babies butt.

Without giving away too many details, this is now my reality. Yesterday during a barbecue my husband smelled my daughters butt about five times during two minutes. Just to make sure. Was there something? Maybe. Maybe not? But I’m sure I smelled something. Or was it just a fart? It was like a freakin wine tasting with a twist.

To add to my life of poop, I adopted a rescue dog from the streets of Dubai. Well, I found her under a car, shaking like a little leaf, is more like the truth. After a few days she decided to come out. I saw she had a heart shape pattern on her forehead and decided she was mine. That’s adoption. I think.

This morning when I was walking with my baby in the stroller. Who just had a change of pajama as she needed to poop all over herself just before we left the house for the walk. My dog suddenly decided to squat down doggie style right outside a huge mansion with a design of absolutely – nothing – except – gold – is – good – as a drive way theme. Yeah, it’s a Dubai thing. Believe me, you can find anything here. A house a few streets down has a water slide from the first floor down to the pool. Now that’s a quick wake up for you folks (I decided it’s a bedroom next to the start of the slide).

My dear dog decided to do an impressive pile of yellow diarrhea right on the drive way, just at the same time as I noticed I didn’t have any poop bags with me. I had to take a small ziplock bag which I had a sandwich in, remove the content and stick my hand in. The bag was too small for my hand. The poop was not solid enough to stay in the bag. Everything was becoming a mess and I was trying my best to turn the bag inside out, it all ended up on my hand. I made a noice. I think it’s the same noice people do before they die. And left my child and dog standing looking at me, I ran for the closest garbage bin and got rid of the bag. I saw a trail of poop had followed me the whole way. If I would faint someone would be able to follow the trace to a beaten human being. Beaten by poop.

We left the crime scene even messier than I found it. There was nothing I could do. I noticed the smell was still there and I looked down and saw that the handle of the dogs leash was still covered in poo from my hand and it was now all over the stroller as well. I took out all 500 wipes and started cleaning. After a package of wipes I was defeated. The smell had to stay. We walked home.

And the time was 650 am. Another great day has started.

The guilty one. Don’t believe her innocent eyes. She can poop like a whole zoo.

Hug me back

Sometimes you just want to express you love. For balls. Million balls. All of them. At the same time.

A little roll

When you live in a very sunny country and you just want your child to wear the damn sunglasses. Obviously she is taking them off all the time to throw them somewhere or to eat them. Solution? A baby spring roll!

No hands were hurt in the making of this picture.

Yes, its slightly cold in the mornings. Around 20 degrees C (68 ish Fahrenheit). And yes, we can’t survive low temperatures anymore. The desert has weakened us.

You are welcome

My friend just had a little baby a few days ago and it’s so fantastic, beautiful and overwhelming. I have therefore prepared some unsolicited advice for new parents. This also goes for babysitters.

Outfit of the day

When you are a viking and want to tell the neighborhood not to mess with you.

Or maybe you live in Dubai and don’t have any proper winter clothes and have to use a hat that your mum might have bought for Masquerade.

On duty

She finally brushed her self off and got a job. About time she starts providing for the family.

Watch out on the roads and make sure she turns on the taximeter. Don’t believe her when she promises that “this is the fastest route, sir.”

Vomit on my foot and tell me that you love me

Happy weekend ya’all! Hope it’s relaxing and fun and whatever. Enjoy it while it last. I’m speaking from the future. Mine is already over as we work Sundays to Thursdays in this part of the world. Actually crazy Saudi Arabia has weekends on Thursdays and Fridays.

Yesterday I was hanging out with a little missy that vomited on my foot. It was warm and nice and I took a picture of course. The suspect is in the background. Parents take nice pictures and share. I guess the kind of pictures you sent to each other as couples change through the years. It’s used to be oh, hey look at my ass. Now it’s more Oh, my god babe, did you see this poop explosion she had in the mall. Must be a world record. What’s for dinner tonight? xx.

Wanna play?

What are the rules for which toys are suitable for babies? As long as she doesn’t choke on it I’m pretty sure it’s a good idea to let my imagination go wild. I’m bored of the normal toys. Yes me…not her but I feel that I’m playing with them as much as she is. I have a saying right.

Lately I just put her in to things and pull her around the house or keep her as an accessory in the garden. The other day we pulled out all the kitchen supplies and I’m not sure if the neighbors down in Saudi Arabia heard us but she is not getting a drum set for any of her birthdays. The risk of deportation is just too high.