The poop diaries and a weekend stroll

* Public service announcement for sensitive people. This post contains poop. If you are eating, please continue to read *

Ignore that. It was me being mean. The poop part is true though. I therefore put in a nice picture of flower. To start of positive. You can stop reading now and enjoy your day. If you are feeling brave. Please continue.

One of the exciting new things that you get to experience as a new parent is the presence of poop. Discussions of poop. And smelling of poop. Before I had children I would wonder about the obsession from parents about this subject and the extremely annoying smelling of the babies butt.

Without giving away too many details, this is now my reality. Yesterday during a barbecue my husband smelled my daughters butt about five times during two minutes. Just to make sure. Was there something? Maybe. Maybe not? But I’m sure I smelled something. Or was it just a fart? It was like a freakin wine tasting with a twist.

To add to my life of poop, I adopted a rescue dog from the streets of Dubai. Well, I found her under a car, shaking like a little leaf, is more like the truth. After a few days she decided to come out. I saw she had a heart shape pattern on her forehead and decided she was mine. That’s adoption. I think.

This morning when I was walking with my baby in the stroller. Who just had a change of pajama as she needed to poop all over herself just before we left the house for the walk. My dog suddenly decided to squat down doggie style right outside a huge mansion with a design of absolutely – nothing – except – gold – is – good – as a drive way theme. Yeah, it’s a Dubai thing. Believe me, you can find anything here. A house a few streets down has a water slide from the first floor down to the pool. Now that’s a quick wake up for you folks (I decided it’s a bedroom next to the start of the slide).

My dear dog decided to do an impressive pile of yellow diarrhea right on the drive way, just at the same time as I noticed I didn’t have any poop bags with me. I had to take a small ziplock bag which I had a sandwich in, remove the content and stick my hand in. The bag was too small for my hand. The poop was not solid enough to stay in the bag. Everything was becoming a mess and I was trying my best to turn the bag inside out, it all ended up on my hand. I made a noice. I think it’s the same noice people do before they die. And left my child and dog standing looking at me, I ran for the closest garbage bin and got rid of the bag. I saw a trail of poop had followed me the whole way. If I would faint someone would be able to follow the trace to a beaten human being. Beaten by poop.

We left the crime scene even messier than I found it. There was nothing I could do. I noticed the smell was still there and I looked down and saw that the handle of the dogs leash was still covered in poo from my hand and it was now all over the stroller as well. I took out all 500 wipes and started cleaning. After a package of wipes I was defeated. The smell had to stay. We walked home.

And the time was 650 am. Another great day has started.

The guilty one. Don’t believe her innocent eyes. She can poop like a whole zoo.

Kitchen un-aided

Has anyone discovered the art of making stuff in a Kitchen Aid? I bought this nice machine to help me make awesome food. Well, maybe it was more of “Oh, that’s a cool thing. Oh, it’s super heavy as well. Perfect. And I have no room for it. Let’s buy it!”

So the other day I realized I have owned it for over a week without any use for it so I decided that I would make an omelet. Something that would be so much easier to just do with a bowl and a fork. But hey, why do that when you have a huge and heavy machine thing for these kind of things and let’s do more dishes than necessary.

I put in eggs and cream and then thought let’s go wild with some veggies. In with some tomatoes and maybe this was when I realized that a kitchen aid comes with a little plastic lid for a reason. The cherry tomato I dropped in to my mix flew out as fast as I could say “cheese” and splash landed next to my dog that was laying on the floor. My dog lifted her head and looked surprised and the small, red thing next to her and then at me. I said sorry and explained that I didn’t read the instructions yet. That’s something I always do after I use any kind of technology to ensure adventure in life.

Yesterday I made pizza. I’m going to spare you the details as this is blog is not going to be a cook book any time soon but I can tell you that the slippery little sucker (the dough) tried to escape. It also turned it to strange shapes and I had to R rate my kitchen from my child.

No dogs were harmed in making of the pizza.

Merry Christmas from your Dalmatian

Well hello, my little readers. Are you all set for Christmas or are you stressing around just wishing it was over? I’m definitely ready. I been ready all year. I love Christmas.

This year we are celebrating Christmas in Dubai. Love how this country is a total mess of all religions and celebrations. One day we celebrate Diwali and the other one Ramadan. Now it’s Christmas turn.

Last week we had a neighborhood gathering where we collected money to make sure everyone in the community will get a Christmas dinner. I ended up chatting with two ladies from the Philippines and they asked why pale people are full of brown spots. I said because our grandparents were Dalmatians. Obviously.

Then one lady nicely said that she wish she was fat like me. This already happened to me a few times so I’m not as shocked anymore by this comment. First of all I’m not really overweight so I don’t really care. Secondly they always have an explanation which is not what you would expect so it make the whole situation hilarious. This lady continued with “I wish I was fat like you because when grab your skin I get a chunk of it in my hand. I don’t get that because I don’t have fat”.

All countries to their own I guess… When I went to Uganda I found out that everyone called me “long nose”. I think that’s pretty common to be called as a westerner or maybe I just have to accept the fact that I have a long nose, am fat and have dots like a dog.

Well at least it’s good we don’t all look the same in the world… I’m telling myself while I dress my dog as Santa’s little helper and trying to get her to look like a dog that is cold. She wouldn’t look more miserable even if I tried..

Woman vs Saluki, 1 – 0 Woman vs Biker, 0 – 0

This week the 30 days fitness challenge in Dubai has started. This is to encourage people to get off their butts and exercise at least 30 minutes per day for 30 days. I signed up together with my dog. My dog had absolutely nothing to say about the decision and is currently wondering why I hate her. I told her during our run this morning that she is a Saluki and that she is suppose to run. Her lean little body has the look of something that is suppose to be fast. She laid down in the grass ten minutes in to the run and said she is part bulldog and don’t agree with this challenge. That’s a lie. She is just a lazy dog who wants to lay in the sun, order a cold drink and soak it up. 

But the fact is she is a desert dog. My colleague found her under a car about a year ago when I was heavily pregnant and motherly and thought getting a dog just a few weeks before the baby would arrive was a great idea. Who could resist those puppy eyes. A small thought back in my head said “don’t get a saluki, she will tear down the house if she doesn’t get to run 10 km per day”. And me being the size of a few watermelons knew there would be no freakin running if it wasn’t to the bathroom. 

As usual I didn’t listen. Not even to myself.  She sure likes to take walks but I think the fact that we have been busy with a little baby has gotten her slightly lazy. Now after eight months I’m suddenly asking her to run and she is not having any of it. I told her there are no freakin excuses. We continued running and suddenly she jumped to the side like a kangaroo. I had my earplugs in with some lame running music to make sure I kept going and I didn’t notice that a woman on a bike tried to pass us from behind. So woman on bike passes us and my dog gets scared and jumps right in to her. Woman on bike falls. I’m in my own world with background music very loud in my ears. I’m just pretending I’m finishing the last 200 meters of a Maraton. People are cheering in the arena. I’m the star runner. “Run to the hills…”. I’m running for my life. In shock (I think…?) I looked at her quickly, said Ooops and kept running. For the hills again. After a few steps I realize I’m and idiot and there is a woman behind me on the grass probably swearing at me and I stop and turn around. She is still there on the grass. Fuck. I go back to apologize, ready to get yelled at. But she just waves off and says whatever. I guess she realized that biking on a running trail is not a good idea. I keep on telling myself this the whole way around the track. That it was her own fault. Not mine or my kangaroo dog. Thank God she was rude so I didn’t need to feel bad. She was rude for falling of the bike. Not me. I’m just finishing my imaginary marathon of three kilometers. 

My dog hates me

She might not love me as much as she loves the baby. Our deepest conversations since six months back has mostly been me saying  DONT LICK THE BABY five hundred times a day but they just love each other. And my baby probably tastes like sweet potatoe and apple purée most of the time so I can’t blame doggie dog. Baby is tasty. 

I’m telling myself that since I saved her from a life on the streets I have the right to dress her up every now and then. It’s the same logic I use when I tell my husband not to wear sneakers all-the-time. I SAVED YOU! No, I didn’t but yeah, kind of..?!


Actually I have nothing against sneakers. The discussion is more “Please just wear underwear for once”. Not everyone wants to see your ass when you move. 

Did your baby get the rabies vaccine?

So we went to the doctor for my little daughters vaccination. My husband packed the bag, the child and half the house as one does when taking a small child out of the home. She always hated going in the car. Why does everyone’s children seem to fall asleep in the car except for mine? I keep saying to myself its because she is the cutest one in the whole world. Like all parents think. Specially during poop explosions or 4 am wake ups.

When we arrived to the clinic I took the vaccination book and headed over to the reception desk to sign us in. I opened the book to discover that she was already vaccinated. To my surprise she received shots against rabies, kennel cough and some other strange worms. And she also has a chip in her ear with the number 6341. How convenient if she runs away.

Doggies

Ok, wrong book but he got the vaccination part correct. Fur child or non-fur child is a thin line.