Golfing elephant?

My colleague told me she was hanging out with her nephews six and eight years old, during Christmas and they had some good conversations. This one was my favorite

Six year old comes running.

Child: listen.. LISTEN .. I got a joke to tell you.

Adult: Cool, tell me.. TELL me.

Child: WHY does the elephant wear two pairs of pants?

Adult: Hmm.. can it be because he has four legs..?

Child: Noooooooo! Its because he has a hole-in-one!

Adult: Ok.. Did you mean to say why does the GOLFER wear two pairs of pants?

Child: Aaah yeah, damn it.

The picture is of someone (ok me..) that felt like an elephant playing golf. I was four months pregnant and felt h u g e. Funny to look back at it now and think that I had no clue how good I looked there and elephant size was about to come. This was more like chubby little dog compared to a few months later.

Wanna play?

What are the rules for which toys are suitable for babies? As long as she doesn’t choke on it I’m pretty sure it’s a good idea to let my imagination go wild. I’m bored of the normal toys. Yes me…not her but I feel that I’m playing with them as much as she is. I have a saying right.

Lately I just put her in to things and pull her around the house or keep her as an accessory in the garden. The other day we pulled out all the kitchen supplies and I’m not sure if the neighbors down in Saudi Arabia heard us but she is not getting a drum set for any of her birthdays. The risk of deportation is just too high.

Shit no one tells you

I haven’t read any books lately as there is not much time for that luxury. Well, if you don’t count those squeezy children’s books about snails and bananas. If I do read something it means mostly going online and googling things like “why cant I lick my elbow”, “is it dangerous to wash makeup off with acetone instead of makeup remover. Asking for a friend.” 

I do have some books that I find interesting and wish I had time to read. The first one: How not to hate your husband after kids. Found this in a book store the other day and it appealed to me considering how many times I thought that exact sentence in my head. I might have expressed it too and that’s why my husband don’t mind to do the night feedings anymore. Win/win. I’m happy and well rested = he gets to live. 


Next book: The shit no one tells you. I actually read this book when I was pregnant and I had time on my hands. This is when I learned that my life would officially be over once the baby had been squeezed out. I also learnt that I would talk about poop more than anything and never sleep again. That was a nice and positive book that made me cross my legs. (Yeah I know, too late right… )


Calm the fuck down – parenting technique. I would love to read this oneI’m pretty calm as a parent but I might keep a few extra copies in my bag to hand out occasionally. I’m sure I would make many new friends on the playgrounds.

Don’t you worry, don’t you worry child. 

…..said no new parent ever because once they do, they don’t. 

Getting out of the door with your little one can sometimes feel like you have packed for a travel around the world. Twice. Sometimes I feel like packing our house, buy a caravan and forever stay in it. I’ll just bring my entire home wherever we go. 

The other day we went to one of the shopping malls. Yes, one of those again. The ones we have been to 240 times this summer as to been a kazillion degrees and we chose to live in the desert. I unpacked baby, stroller, life etc out of the car. While walking away from the car I felt complete and cool. Like I was born to be a relaxed mum. I had everything under control. I grabbed the car keys from my pocket and in an insanely cool way, I reached the hand over my shoulder and locked the car without even turning around! My 7 months old baby even looked at me and said “cool as ice, mum”. Well, I’m sure she would have if she could speak. 

After shopping we walked our little walk through the parking garage to search for the car. And we found it straight away, which never happens, but the reason why was because it was easy to spot.


This cool mum left the trunk open! Nothing to worry about. I bet it happens all the time… (anyone..?) 

People, there has been a gas leak!

A few months ago when I was on maternity leave and occasionally opened the door to discover exciting things outside the house like trees and air. I also saw people that had time to shower, ants and there was (still) a  pretty sky. One day I went to one of those “new mama and baby meetings”. I don’t remember any of it as I sat starring at the wall and sleeping with my eyes open. 

These meetings are in a very busy building with a consulate on the top floor which means the elevators are crowded constantly and you have to squeeze in and feel like you are being humped by the person behind you. And this is without a stroller. So when the elevator actually arrives you need to run and do the demolition walk with your baby. This means you just push the stroller in front of you and pretend you don’t see anyone. If someone is trying to step in front of you, you just look the other way and just keep on walking and then do the the tired-mummy look and say “Oh, my god, I’m so sorry” and pretend you that you care. My stroller is like an off road version with extra wide wheels as well. I guess when we bought it we just didn’t know when we would end up chasing camels in very deep sand in the desert with a baby and stroller. (Modern beduism?)

After the mummy meeting me and baby managed to get a spot in an elevator on its way down. We squeezed in with people in suits or tiny little dresses and people that had combed their hair. My daughter was laying in the stroller awake and looking at the people. They were looking back and smiled and I was like yeah, I made that. 

The elevator was dead quiet and suddenly my daughter farted something that could break the sound wall in to space. Even she looked surprised and a little scared. A little bit like you do the day after you had a spicy curry. I started laughing and looked up but everyone was just quietly looking away and pretended it didn’t happened. Ok, we are ignoring baby farts even though it almost started an earthquake. Fine by me. They obviously didn’t spend their day with poop and breastmilk leaks like I did. I was still smiling and looking around to see if anyone (come on, ANYONE?) would look back at me with a little smile. 

Nop.

I don’t know but they might be outside of their homes more then twice a week and are entertained by other stuff. 


The look of I heard something loud !

Oh, that is right, I have a child

How forgetful are we as parents? I started thinking about this the other day when my husband seem to have forgotten that we have a baby. I was putting our daughter down for a little nap when my husband left the house to go grocery shopping. Half an hour afterwards he came back and entered the house yelling from the top of his lungs like our hallway was some kind of opera stage. Hello? Hello? Why is nobody answering? Hello?

During this time I was obviously sitting upstairs next to our baby that was just lightly asleep and plotting his murder. How short could his memory be? I cant possibly scream back. He started once again Hello? Hello? His voice echoed all the way from downstairs. He then entered our daughters room to see me sitting there all red in my face and I started doing the most angry gesture as quiet as I could and probably looked like the irritated charade player in the world. BE QUIET AND GET OUT is easiest shown with tensed mouth, angry eyes and continuously waving arms pointing at the door.

Then…The day after…

So we have a babysitter during the days as in the Middle East you get very little to none (compared to Sweden) maternity leave. We get 45 days and that includes the weekends! I added a bunch of vacation and unpaid days to be able to be off for a few months. Anyway we have a nanny as the little one is too young for nursery. The other day they were playing in the garden while I took a shower and got ready for work. When I got out of the shower I heard loud yelling and singing and I was like oh, they are having so much fun together, how cute. All of sudden there was water splashing on my bedroom window! I was on the second floor so I was kind of surprised but thought that’s fun, they are playing waterfall, guessing that is some kind of sensory game for the baby. I imagined my little daughter in her sitter watching the water splashing against the window and pouring down. She loves water. Maybe she was sitting there giggling. But then the water came on all windows and more fierce. (Can water be fierce? It felt angry). That’s when I realized, holy *uck, they are not having fun, they are locked out! This is a call for help!

I ran downstairs and opened the locked door out to the garden to find everything floating. My nanny was smiling at me. She was totally soaked with my wet baby in her arms. “You locked us out”…

Ok, so we all forget sometimes. It’s not like I forget that I’m a mum or my husband that he is dad (well…) but I read somewhere that it takes up to one year for your brain to program that you are a parent. I was laughing when I read that as I was at the moment up a million times a night to breastfeed or comforting baby. I thought to myself that this little one will never let me forget that she exists. And I don’t mind. But yeah, we might get tiny bit confused at times.

Capture
source: huffington post

Our nanny is now watching me with hawk eyes every time she is in the garden and if I happened to close the door behind her. I do it carefully and S L O W L Y, nodding my head at the same time to confirm that yes, I remember, I promise wont do it again.

Who’s that?

There is so much pressure on parents. We need to be role models, not swear too much, create routines and most importantly teach our children how to take a selfie. This is something our parents didn’t have to do and see how we turned out. Amazingly normal and incredibly beautiful but anyway..

Will the next generation love technology or hate it? Will they turn all the gadgets off and go live in tree houses? I doubt they will know how to build one. Or they’ll just google it. 


Who is that in the phone? 

Do I have something on my face

When going to a place that is called “Butterfly garden” normally you would be prepared that there will be…that is right, butterflies! We went on a little adventure yesterday to something I thought I would enjoy with my daughter and some friends but it turned out I couldn’t stop waving my hands around. Fuckin’ hell, they were everywhere. In my face, on my back, on my head, was that one flying up under my skirt? Aaah…                           And at the same time I tried my best not to leave the place being a butterfly killer.

We got used to them after a while but we did leave some casualties behind. We didn’t mean to but being a baby and grabbing things, you might just get hold of a pair of wings and ooooops, we are so sorry mister butterfly. We accidentally shortened your three days long life to one.

butterfly

Today’s casual outfit: Butterfly and suspicious baby